Matchmaker, matchmaker

He wrote:

Greetings,

My name is Barrister Paul Ledeen; I am an attorney based in the United kingdom. I have decided to contact you to handle an investment portfolio. I need your assistance in repatriating the funds and property left behind by my late client before it will be confiscated by government and declared unserviceable by the bank where the huge deposits were lodged.

My Client died intestate and every attempt to trace any member of his family has proved abortive and unsuccessful.

Do note that who you are does not matter and you will be better informed when I hear from you.

I want you to respond by sending:

1. Your full names
2. Tel & fax numbers
3. Complete Address

When you send the above information I will furnish you with more information about the estate and process of transfer to you.

Yours Faithfully,
Barrister Paul Ledeen; Esq.
London, U.K

So I wrote:

Dear Barrister Ladeen:

I am not fooled by your officious letter. You are a lonely man, swimming in a murky sea of law and money, and while who I am may not matter to you, this flimsy ruse involving investment portfolios, property repatriation, and disappearing clients is, I know, only a cry for companionship.

Do you know Inna of Cheboksary?

She is a broken but serviceable woman from the home of the Russian Beer Museum, fecund and willing, hopeful and determined, currently engaged in an global search for love and companionship and I would suggest that you and she will make for an excellent merger.

I propose a face-to-face meeting in Paris due to the, you know, romance factor. Plus, Inna can wear a beret. Take the Chunnel.

I want you to respond by sending:

All of your full names
Cell numbers (nobody uses fax anymorel)
Coat and inseam measurements
Complete tax returns for the past five years
Proof you've shaved off the soul patch

When you send the above information I will make arrangements for the assignation, Paris in Springtime and whatnot, and spiritedly pursue my goal of hitching Inna's wagon to yours, whereupon you can both cease the endless internet spamming for fulfillment and get on with the business of making the childrens, which is, I am happy to tell you, Inna's passion.

Yours faithfully,
Merlin Sulchek
U.S.A.