Monday, July 19, 2010

My Fateful Reply:

Dear Robert Wright:

I received your recent missive hard on the heels of a message from Mr. Paul Moore regarding diamonds. I assume it's no coincidence that both of you await my urgent reply. I can assure you help is on the way. Let me just say, sir, that the Diamonds of Akim Ahmed (DAA) (not his real name, by the way) can provide the cover necessary for the out of contract Fifa sums you wish to invest "outside the South Africa." On a tangent, I might point out that it was not hard for me to figure out where the over-billing occurred: the jubulani football, used in the World Cup, which was so suspiciously unruly (SU) one can only assume that the important materials left out of the construction of it have made you and Mr. Clark rich indeed.

So, I was ready hurry directly your way, with only a the briefest stopover in Dubai to meet with Akim Ahmed (or whatever his name is) to procure the aforementioned rainbow rocks (or DAA), when I received THIS message which, I tell you, sent a chill through my very veins:

Dear Sir/Madam,

With a very desperate need for assistance, I have summed up courage to contact you. I am from (will disclose this later), formally working in Iraq with an international organization that I will also disclose later, we are now in Afganistain I found your contact particulars in an address journal. I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of (US18.523 Million Dollars) Eighteen Million, five Hundred And Twenty Three Thousand US Dollars to your country or any other safe country of your choice, as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service here,this is no stolen money,and there are no dangers involved.

SOURCE OF MONEY:Some money in various currencies was discovered concealed in barrels with piles of weapons and ammunitions at a location near one of Saddam's old palaces during a rescue operation, and it was agreed by all party present that the money be shared amongst us, this was quite an illegal thing to do, but I tell you what? no compensation can make up for the risks we have taken with our lives in this hell hole. The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a German contact working here, and his office enjoys some immunity, I was able to get the package out to a safe cation entirely out of trouble spot. He does not know the real contents of the package, and believes that it belongs to an Asian/American who died in an air raid, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his business associate.

I have now found a secured way of getting the package out to a safer country for you to pick up, and will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me.One passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this matter with a third party, should you have reasons to reject this offer, please destroy this mail as any leakage of this information will be too bad for us.I do not know for how long we will remain here, and I have survived 6 suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of God, this and other reasons I will mention later has prompted me to reach out for help, I honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately. Please contact me as soon as possible and kindly fill up this requirements like:

Your full name:

Your country:
Contact phone/fax number:


Mr Ali Ibrahim.

What evil is this, Robert? Clearly Ali Ibrahim is slumming as Akim Ahmed, and he has converted his uholy Saddam spoils to rare diamonds (more specifically, the aforementioned DAA), which he is planning to sell to the unnamed Asian/American who we can presume only pretended to die in the air raid so that he could escape from the SU hell hole that was Iraq! The mind reels. Perhaps I'm not as strong in math as the great Abu l'Hasan al-Uqlidisi, but, taking your $14,500,000.00 and subtracting it from the $18,523,000.00 of Ali Ibrahim, leaves around $4,023,000.00. Assuming Paul needs 5 kilos of diamonds at $550 per gram, and that there are (I'll tell you later) grams in a kilogram, all we need to do is find the Asian/American ... and introduce him to Nina! of Seratov.

Boom. Done. I'm on my way!*

Merlin Sulchek

*most urgently


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